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Over the last few months I have tried to so hard to remember what I was doing last April 1st. I wish I could remember something about that day…what I was doing, what the weather was like, anything! Unfortunately, I cannot and this frustrates me so much. I think a lot about that day and wonder what it was like in the maternity hospital in Karaganda, Kazakhstan when Adam entered the world and his birth mother saw him for the first time. I cannot imagine what his birth mother went through that day as she looked at her beautiful baby boy. What thoughts crossed her mind seeing those beautiful brown (yes, they are brown, not black...though you have to see them in the right light to really tell this) eyes. I have to think that today, as we celebrate his first birthday, she must be thinking of him and wondering where he is, what he is doing, and who is caring for him. I wish that I could tell her how truly amazing he is! That his smile lights up our world in a way I never knew was possible. That he is such a happy little boy. He has so many people that have cared about him long before his feet touched U.S. soil!! I hope she finds peace with the decision she made. I hope somehow she knows that what she has given to us, we can never repay her for, but will cherish every day. She is now, and forever will be, a hero to me. She made a sacrifice thinking nothing about herself and the pain that she would endure when she handed him over for the last time but only about Adam’s health and future. She knew she could not care for Adam the way she wanted to, so she chose to let him go. How that must have felt, oh I can’t even imagine. It hurts me to think about how that....

When we left Kazakhstan in November, without Adam, I felt like a part of me was missing. Boarding that plane was the hardest thing I ever had to do. (Jim would probably agree….getting me on that plane was the hardest thing he had to do :) The weeks in between, though filled with great anticipation of going back to get Adam, were very hard. Every “what if” scenario went through my head. I was very fortunate to have a wonderful support group...that knew I needed to keep myself busy!! People would ask me, “How could you leave him?” My first response was always, “We had to!” Through those weeks I knew the reason I could leave him was I was going back to get him. I knew there was an end to our waiting to hold him again. I knew we would soon hold that precious little one..and would continue to “hold him” for the rest of our lives! I had to be away from him for 4 weeks but his birth mother….. If she could do what she had to do, I could handle 4 weeks. I truly used that as my way of getting through it.

I think of her almost every day but especially today, and all the future April 1st that we celebrate the gift of Adam. Every time I leave Adam or when I put him to bed, I always give him two kisses. One is for me and the other is for his birth mother. He will always know he has two mothers, both of which love him very much.